The Walking Nerds
by Lee Harvey Oswald
Summary: Nerds killing zombies with time travel and columbine


chapter 1

Alejandro relished his groinsaw's roar as he withdrew the flesh-choked blade from the zombie's ruined skull. He turned to steven, thrusting his bloody saw with elfin fervor.

"How does Darian taste, master?"

Steven spat out an eyeball. "Like some kid with eyes."

Alejandro ducked a zombie's poison barbed fist, digging his groinsaw into the beast's abdomen and letting the spray of viscera wash over his elfin space armor. The skulls' eye sockets on his shoulders grew brilliant with an infernal cast and vomited a bolt of light through a zombie; he was thrown back against the deathwall, his flesh boiling in another dimension.

Steven reminded himself to kill himself later.

"Master, look out!"

Alejandro's groinsaw screamed as it flew off the armor, rocketing through the air like an early dream of mankind. It flew through three zombies who dropped their hellspears as the saw cut a hole in the ground beneath them so they fell to hell.

chapter 2

"Now, Dat Black guy that dies first in every horror movie."

Dat Black guy knelt before his master.

Steven withdrew his guitar, Fuckslayer, from a dimension where all screamed for naught.

Wrought from the silver heart of heaven's false promise, laced with vessels that pulsed with angel's menstrual blood, hewn from the horns of Satan's generals, it laughed as it was set loose, a laugh that only Steven could hear, but no one could share.

Steven swung the guitar through Dat Black guy's chicken neck. He took the head of his fallen Black guy and tore open his stomach, stuffing the head inside. Steven vomited steam and summoned a great meteor from space to smash into West sylvan and kill everyone there, for no reason at all. A vision then appeared. It was Barret and his Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon, entombed in cursed mummy armor, calling Steven from his Moonbase which wasn't on a moon.

"Steven, you must rock the fuck out."

Steven channeled his rage through Fuckslayer. The angel blood boiled as he summoned the great meteor, swathed with the blood of the tiny jerks at West sylvan, leapt onto it, and flew into space. He encased the entire meteor in a wreath of holy fuckfire and flew through Mercury, killing the fuck out of it. Then he sent Mercury's carcass into Venus, killing the fuck out of it and making every anime in the galaxy explode.

Steven then did fly his meteor through space, punching astral vampires in half with his fists encased in fuckfire and throwing their ruined heads to Earth where they bit zombies so now there were vampire zombies on earth.

Chapter 3

Steven went back to earth and started reading a book he found. It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles.

Steven was reading when a woman in a tuxedo appeared from behind nothing much. She stood ten feet tall and her head seemed wrapped in unwrappable darkness.

"Hi Steven, I have been stalking you because I'm sexually attracted to you."

"I know you are but what am I?" responded Steven.

"Don't forget the Oreos, dear," said the woman's husband before a zombie killed him.

"My husband is dead, so that means we can have sexual relations with each other, but only after we are married, of course." said the woman, who name was apparently Dokoro-chan.

Steven didn't think much of it at first, but then suddenly puberty hit him like a baseball, because it was a baseball that just hit him.

"Steven, I can explain what is happening to you!" said super hero PubertyMan, with his trusty, gay(but it is totally okay to be a gay puberty crimefighter, said his shirt) sidekick Captain Awkwardness.

"This seems quite Awkward" he said.

"That is because we made it Awkward, dumbo" said PubertyMan, as he retrieved his puberty baseball.

"Don't forget me!" said TrojanMan, coming around on his horse.

"Who are you guys and why are you here?" said Dokoro-chan.

The three got in a flamboyant pose and said together "We are the Hormone Heroes!"

"Our job is to explain to teenagers about their growing bodies," said PubertyMan.

"And to do it safely!" said TrojanMan.

Suddenly a cupid's arrow hit Dokoro-chan, giving her AIDs.

"It is the Hormone Orthodox!" said Captain Awkwardness.

Then PubertyMan started to speak in a dialogue that resembled He-Man's opening.

"Special powers were revealed to me when I held aloft my magical sword and said 'by the power of puberty...I have the power!"

Suddenly his clothes changed from a priest outfit to sunglasses and a leather jacket. He also got a shotgun.

"Here!" said TrojanMan, throwing a sword-sized condom to PubertyMan. He put the condom on his sword and was able to deflect the cupid arrows infused with STDs with his PubertyBlade. In order to get close to the agent, he got Captain Awkwardness to freeze time using his 'Awkward Silence.'

He killed the Hormone Orthodox agent and said, "Remember kids, condoms protect you from STDs!" His face morphed into Arnold Schwarzenegger and he took out his shotgun to kill Dokoro-chan.

"I'll be back," said Arnold as he started to go to a teenager and explain puberty to him in an arnold accent. Steven opened his book and let the lasers and dragons made of motorcycles kill everyone there. Steven didn't like the book very much, so he squinted so hard he could see the subatomic particles of the book and threw antimatter at it with his mind and soon fell asleep.

Chapter 4: the beginning of a quest to cure the world of zombies

A concert of heavy metal was going on in StevenLand, the only amusement park that exists in disneyland but is better than disneyworld and the StevenWorld in disneyworld since those two amusement parks were overrun with vampire zombies. Steven played incredibly heavy metal with all his buddies at school(that survived the meteor, of course). The heaviness of the music pushed so much gravity it was more powerful than the sun and pushed on the fabric of space-time, it created a rip in space time and a portal to the past opened. It was in 1999, before the zombie virus. Someone in the crowd jumped in the portal, saying that disney owned the copyright to time travel portals.

"Screw disney!" said all of stevens friends as they all jumped in with steven into the time travel portal.

Chapter 5: recap

previously on PBS's the Walking Nerds

Alejandro used a groinsaw to kill zombies with steven.

steven smashed a meteor into west sylvan and his surviving friends built StevenWorld in disneyworld, but didn't have enough protection from zombies.

Steven was stalked by Dokoro-chan before hormone heroes fought against the Hormone Orthodox before steven killed them all, and since people die when they are killed, they all died... or did they?!

Also on PBS, teletubbies was cancelled, and sesame street characters quit their show to join the Walking Nerds, so screw them! Mr. Rodger's neighborhood was cancelled in 1999, so we will never see them again on PBS, or will we?!

chapter 6: the recruiting

The time portal closed as disney executives started to eat sesame street characters so they can make millions off them instead of letting steven make enough money to by a better roller coaster that doesn't eat the riders in StevenLand. Fred Rogers, being an ex-navy SEAL and an expert sniper in vietnam, hated disney, so he sniped the disney executive. But since the timestream was so messed up the timeline of 1999 overlapped the timeline of 1963 and the sniper was simultaneously Oswald and Rogers, so he was Oswald Rogers, the best sniper in the universe, and JFK and the disney executive were the same person. They were killed. Oswald Rogers, being so badass, joined Steve n' Pals.

Steve n' Pals decided to go to columbine high school on April 20, 1999 because they can. There they met Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, who had guns and heavy metal. Since Steve n' Pals also have guns and heavy metal, Eric and Dylan joined Steve n' Pals. They went to the school and saw a kid jump out a window, saw a flash of light, and jumped back in the window as PubertyMan, circa 1999. He started explaining to a young man in class why he was sexualy reacting to his female lab parter, embarrasing him. The whole class was laughing at him, especially when PubertyMan said to the girl, "so you see, he wants to have sex with you!"

Then PubertyMan jumped out the window, had a flash of light, then the kid from before jumped back in the class.'

The boy's friend said, "Wow! You just missed it! PubertyMan was here! It seems like you and PubertyMan are never in the same place in the same time."

"I just have bad luck," said the boy. Steve n' Pals saw that everyone in the class was an idiot, since they can't see that the boy and PubertyMan were the same person.

"Hey PubertyMan, I met you in the future and killed you, so now that I traveled back in time, I want you to join me to stop the zombie apocalypse," said Steven.

"Okay," said PubertyMan as he got the rest of the Hormone Heroes to join Steve n' Pals. They also met Dat black guy who joined at the last minute.

"Now that we have enough people to stop the zombie apocalypse, lets find them!"

chapter 7: the evil worldwide conspiracy

Captain Awkwardness has a father who works for the government in high clearance, so he froze time using his 'awkward silence' to steal secret documents from his father. Steve n' Pals found out that there are 70,000 zombies in area 51, and at midnight they will be transported to all the continents to infect the world. After the world is overrun with zombies, the world will take over with a secret government called the illuminati. They have all the technology and weapons to have control over the world and institute a New World Order.

"How can we get to Area 51 before midnight?" asked Eric. Suddenly a woman came foward.

"Hi i'm sexually attracted to you," said Dokoro-chan.

"I know you are but what am I?" responded Steven.

"I can get you there by riding the arm hairs of my soon to be husband," said Dokoro-chan, pointing to her boyfriend, who is eating oreos.

So Steve n' Pals rode the hair to Area 51, and went underground. There they saw 70,000 zombies and 1,000 soldiers trying to transport them around the world. Steve n' Pals got prepared for the final battle. Alejandro was equipped with his groinsaw, Steven equipped with Fuckslayer and his fists were encased in fuckfire, Oswald Rogers was equipped with a bunch of sniper rifles and ammunition and he got in a good place to snipe, PubertyMan morphed as Arnold Schwarzenegger with every weapon that Arnold have ever used in everyone of his movies ever, Captain Awkwardness with cupid bow and arrows innfused with STDs and the 'Awkward silence,' TrojanMan and his condom shield and the puberty blade, Eric and Dylan as the Trenchcoat Mafia with 99 improvised explosive devices and 4 knives, Eric Harris was equipped with a 12-gauge pump-action shotgun and a Hi-Point 995 Carbine, and Klebold was equipped with a 9 mm TEC-9 semi-automatic handgun and a 12-gauge double-barreled sawed-off shotgun, Dat back guy with 2 golden pistols and a golden ak-47, Dokoro-chan equipped with Excalibolg, and finally her boyfriend with oreos. They were ready.

chapter finale: we have a separate twitter account for finales like the stupid tv shows on fox

Dat black guy killed as many zombies as he could before he became the first guy to die in the zombie movie. The Trenchcoat Mafia let loose their homemade propane bombs on the soldiers, causing their grenades to kill them. Steven and Alejandro jumped into the fray of zombies. Oswald Rogers sniped explosives nearby to kill more zombies. The Hormone Heroes froze time to do maximum damage to soldiers and zombies. Dokoro-chan flew around, killing zombies, and his husband ate oreos before becoming the second person to die in the zombie movie. After 22 minutes, the battle was over. The world was saved.

Epilogue

After the final battle, Steve n' Pals became an illegal terrorist organization and they conquered the world in the Seven Hours War, since it took 7 hours for Steve n' Pals to take over the world. After Steve became dictator of the world, he married Dokoro-chan and had 5.8 children, enough to represent an array of genders and races to leave no one unhappy, save for eskimos. Steven solved all the problems that the illuminati could have solved if they weren't stupid conservatives, such as global warming and feeding the poor. All jobs are replaced with robots, and Earth was a utopia.

The End


End file.
